And Just Like That

Want to meet a new partner? Try a relationship retread

Dating coach Delissa Needham has an unusual suggestion for finding a successful new relationship later in life.

Looking for a new relationship isn’t easy, and often women who are later daters tend to give up hope. Only the other day one of my dating clients was complaining that she’s not meeting anyone she fancies.  My advice is don’t give up – it will happen, but you need to think and act strategically.  You must be ready, and you must be proactive.

Single women are very lucky to live in a time when you can take the lead and have access to so much opportunity.  Our mothers who found themselves alone, usually widowed or divorced, had very little choice, restricted as they were to local events and waiting for kind invites.  You, on the other hand, can use dating sites, like the new Noon Dating, and introduction agencies.

But these are only two of the tools in your toolbox.  There is a third way. Attracting in the real world.  Putting yourself in the right place, at the right time, in order to meet the right person.  And I don’t mean joining the local Bridge Club (though that can work too). You need to box more cleverly than that.

Here’s a suggestion.  Let me point you in the direction of your past.  If you’re looking to meet someone new, how about, instead of trying to find someone completely new, revisiting past love and turning it into something new. How about a Retread?

Going back to your past

Going back down the path already trod is known as a Relationship Retread. It’s much more than a worn tyre getting a revamp and it seems everyone is doing it.  This can be your new kiss but loaded with a familiar affection that can wipe away the intervening years to take you straight back to a time when things were good.  To a place of fun, way before Covid, before a divorce, a painful break-up or a deceased spouse. Way before all the other joys and calamities of life’s peaks and troughs.

The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there” wrote L. P Hartley in the Go-Between.  You were young, happy and free ….. well you were young anyway.  For you to visit that far off country all you need do is rekindle a petite histoire d’amour.

Take Daphne and Henry for instance. A few dates 30 years ago were exactly that. Just a few dates. Then nothing for many decades, until a now divorced Henry found Daphne on social media and got in touch.  The first time around these two had two very different agendas. They were too busy doing other things and seeing other people and wanting too much. But all that selfishness has gone.  Two people who think differently, care differently, want differently.  Life has changed them, but the memories still exist. The essence of who they were is still there.  Daphne never married.  She always knew that Henry was looking for a mother for his children and no one in their right minds would see fun loving rock chick Daphne in that role. But Henry says that Daphne was all he wanted in the first place.  Back then it never flew, but right now it does.

Henry and Daphne are just one example of many singles revisiting their dating cv’s and finding romance in the attic of lost love. The Relationship Retread is happening everywhere.

Your market is growing

And the good news is that by the time you get to 45+ age group your market is growing. Yes, it really is.  This time is the Land of Plenty.  There are widowers and widows back on the market, along with the divorcees. Two thirds of the new relationship market is made up of these types of singles.  The other third, of course, is the perpetual singleton.  Bachelors and anyone else who doesn’t want monogamy.  I avoid bachelors like the plague.  It’s a generalisation but the reason a lifelong bachelor has decided to get married is usually because, late in life, he’s decided he wants children.  It’s loaded ovaries he’s looking for.  That escalator is going down so don’t put your foot on it.

So is there anyone in your past that’s worth a little revisit?  Do some research.  Are any of them back on the ‘market’? Do a bit of digging around in your social media and use it to connect with old loves.  There could be someone you may have known, or fancied, or who fancied you and may still be holding a candle for you.  Maybe someone you knew 20, 30 or even 40 years ago.  Perhaps the timing wasn’t right then, but now? Well, it just might be.

If, like me you, were a bit of a prolific dater in your 20s then your retread market is probably rather more robust than your virtuous monogamous friends.  Ha! Its pays to have been disreputable after all.  If you’ve ever wondered what happened to ‘Wotsisface’ who you dated at aged 18, then go find out. It’s fun to trawl through Facebook looking for ex’s and anyone else who crossed your path decades ago. You never know who might be delighted to hear from you.

When two people have known each other in the past as friends, school mates or whatever, there is often the foundations for a new relationship. Common ground is a good starting point, and importantly it expands your own existing network.  Reconnecting could bring with it more old friends and even new ones.   I’m a great believer in the idea that the more people you meet, the more chance there is you might meet the one.  And besides, Facebook is a good tool for marketing. So go market yourself. Take control of your own PR and you never know who might re-find you.

Why retreads are all the rage

So why is all this retread happening. My theory is that the last 2-3 years has rocked our personal foundations. Created insecurity and a scary new normal.  We were happy in that old normal, and good memories are emotional hooks that take us to the past. There can be something enticing about having both an existing and an unexplored history together. There is value to already knowing someone, to knowing a little of their history and to having some shared memories.

There’s also the hope that we are better people. Older, yes, but also wiser?  Yes.  Because we’ve learned from our mistakes. The selfishness that dominated our youth has gone and hopefully we are more caring, more loving.  Hopefulness this time is more grounded.

Sometimes of course you wonder what you ever saw in that person in the first place.  There’s a good reason it didn’t happen 30 years ago. Take Eric the Half Snake for instance. He got in touch with me earlier this year via a jolly and perky email message,  “Hi remember me”.  I sure did.  Half Snake was a racing driver, and he would call me long distance with stories of his success on the racetracks of Europe. He was always somewhere in France, Spain, Italy etc most weekends in his Ferrari.  Or so he said.  It didn’t occur to me that the man was living in a fantasy world. I didn’t find out the truth until one day when I was lunching with a friend in a restaurant in Bond Street.  Half Snake was supposed to be racing somewhere in Spain.  Not so. He walked into the same restaurant with a tall leggy blonde on his arm. I promptly disappeared under the table while my friend gave me a running commentary on the love scene unfolding nearby. Later that night Eric rang me.  I asked how well he’d done in his race, etc.  Was it warm in Spain I enquired?  He answered all my questions as though he was in Spain and had just done well on the track.  I never said anything, but that’s one retread that can stay firmly where it is – in the past.


How I Met My Man and How You Can Meet Yours by Delissa Needham is available on Amazon.    

How I Met My Man and How You Can Meet Yours 

To find out about One to One Date Coaching with Delissa, click HERE 

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